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BDSM Doesn’t Magically Fix Your Life

by Kayla Lords

“I thought it was all supposed to get better once I submitted.”

“I can’t help it. I worry and I’m afraid he’ll leave me.”

“I don’t mean to be jealous, but I’d feel better if my Dom would just share his passwords and let me see everything.”

Would you be shocked to know that I have read/heard some variation of these statements from different submissives across the interwebz? Sad but true.

Dominance and Submission Doesn’t Magically Fix Your Relationships

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BDSM isn’t a correct-all for your past relationship woes.

If you are filled with self-doubts and self-loathing in a vanilla relationship – and your partner isn’t the source of the problem – you’ll most likely be filled with self-doubts and self-loathing as a Dominant or submissive.

If you are always jealous and doubtful of your partners – regardless of whether they give you reason to be or not, you’ll be that way in your D/s relationship.

If you withdraw into yourself and refuse to communicate in all relationships, guess what. That won’t automatically change simply because you’re now a big D or a little s.

Dominance and submission – as well as the rest of the BDSM spectrum – is a relationship dynamic unlike anything most people have ever experienced. It requires full and honest communication. It requires trust. It requires believing in yourself and your partner. It also takes time and patience to cultivate – if you’re looking for a full relationship and not just a temporary play partner.

For the record, vanilla relationships should have this level of communication, trust, and belief. And some do. I don’t disparage vanillas as “other” or “lesser” – but I’m D/s so I discuss D/s. For vanillas who truly communicate and trust at the same level as a healthy D/s relationship, good for you! Could you please start a blog and teach your non-kinkster brethren? Because they could use some help, too. 

You Don’t Have to Be Perfect to for a D/s Relationship

You don’t have to enter your D/s relationship with your shit together: completely confident, no insecurities, and able to bare your soul. Most of us don’t. What you should do is be willing to try, willing to do what’s necessary for the relationship to work, and willing to speak up – even though it will seem nearly impossible at first.

It probably seems like some relationships spring forth from the ground fully formed into D/s perfection. Le sigh. Not true. Every relationship requires hard work – regardless of your level of kink or lack thereof. Time must be spent learning each other, talking to one another, spending time together. (Time spent in a virtual world counts – but be assured, it doesn’t truly prepare you for being together in a physical space.)

I’m going to give you a little tough love:

  • If your partner makes you feel bad about yourself and discounts what you say, you’re in the wrong relationship.
  • If you aren’t willing to talk to your partner – and you’re not even willing to try – regardless of whether that’s your fault or theirs, you’re in the wrong relationship.
  • If you can’t let go of the past and see the person in front of you for who they are, you’re probably in the wrong relationship.

When you’re willing to accept less than someone’s best and willing to let someone lie to you, cheat on you, and make demands of you without giving anything in return, you’re only hurting yourself and wasting time with the wrong person in the wrong relationship. On the flip-side, when you’re willing to manipulate, lie, steal, or cheat, you’re hurting your partner and yourself as well as wasting everyone’s time.

It is always better to be alone than to be in a dysfunctional, disheartening, or damaging relationship. Always.

Finding the Right One for You

Dominants, the good ones, are patient wolves. And, this might surprise you, they’re also human. We, as submissives, give them god-like attributes, but that’s not the reality. They need to get to know a prospective submissive before deciding if they want to dominate you. And any “dominant” who is ready to order you around within the first 30 seconds is a fake and a wannabe. Run in the other direction when you come across them – and you will.

A good Dominant takes their time. They talk to a potential submissive and learn likes, dislikes, personality, everything they can. They learn as much as a submissive will let them learn – and often, plenty that you don’t think you’re telling them. From my experience, Dominants watch and read people very well – especially when they’re interested.

For submissives, I will always tell you to be careful. Keep your guard up in the beginning. There are too many assholes posing as Doms in the world to do otherwise. But at a certain point, you have to take a leap of faith. You have to decide if you trust your instinct enough to let this potential Dominant in closer. And when you do, you have to truly open up.

I know (because I was one of them) you blame yourself if you open up your heart and then it gets crushed. That’s not a failing on your part. Loving someone with your whole heart takes courage. Sharing part of your soul takes courage. Trust takes courage. So if you chose the wrong one, if you were released from a Dominant you considered “the one,” don’t berate yourself for being “stupid.” Stand tall with your head high because you acted courageously.

Without knowing for sure (hello, I am a submissive, after all), I believe that the same is true in reverse for Dominants. They have to be careful of someone so willing to submit that they’ll pretend to be someone they’re not. No matter how strong they seem, a Dominant’s heart can get just as intertwined as a submissive’s, and they hurt just as much when things go bad or don’t work out.

Bottom line: be true to yourself, but also communicate, trust, and always, always be honest with your partner. Only then will you have a chance of finding the right Dominant or submissive for you.

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Was this post meaningful and helpful? You might enjoy my website dedicated to BDSM and helping people have better D/s relationships – Loving BDSM – a blog and weekly podcast devoted to helping people find and enjoy healthier D/s relationships and kinky lives. Check it out at https://lovingbdsm.kaylalords.com.

Source: kaylalords