BY KAYLA LORDS · PUBLISHED JUNE 28, 2017 · UPDATED OCTOBER 15, 2018
Being insecure about something isn’t necessarily a problem. If those feelings propel you to improve yourself, find contentment, or learn more about yourself, insecurities can actually help you grow. The problem for most of us happens when we get stuck in our insecurities.
How we view ourselves, our bodies, our partners, and our future color every part of our life, including the thing some of us want more than anything – a successful D/s relationship. When you get used to how you see yourself or your life, you start to think it’s normal. You might not even realize how problematic your insecurities can be.
Trusting Your Partner
You’ve negotiated your relationship. Everything is working well. You’ve never caught them in a lie. They seem to be everything they say they are. But you’re still not sure.
Insecurities come from a variety of places. Some are from past relationships (John Brownstone and I call them bad tapes). Even though your partner says and does the right things, you’re still not sure you can trust them. Your mind is constantly thinking, “What if?”
At some point, all you can do (assuming everything else is good) is close your eyes and leap into the unknown. There are no guarantees you won’t get hurt, of course. But if you never choose to trust your partner, the relationship can’t grow.
Trusting Yourself to Dominate Someone
Not every Dominant questions whether they should be “allowed” to dominate another person, but it does happen. You’ve got society telling you that controlling someone is wrong. If you’re a male Dominant with a female submissive, you may be thinking of every lesson you ever heard about “how to treat a lady.”
For those who enjoy sadism, where real physical harm may be done to your partner, fear or uncertainty may keep you from exploring the rougher elements of BDSM. It becomes even more difficult if you’ve had a bad experience in the past. How can you trust yourself not to hurt your partner this time?
There are no easy solutions but moving forward slowly helps. Start with one small act of Dominance and move forward as you gain confidence and learn what your partner likes and wants. Time and practice can help you overcome those insecurities.
Trusting Yourself to Submit to Someone
You might think that the real problem is trusting your partner in order to submit (and that is a real issue). But if you think there’s something wrong with you, that you’re somehow not good enough, your insecurities can stop you in your tracks.
You may do things to ruin the relationship. Or you might keep your Dominant at arm’s length, not allowing yourself to grow close enough so that you can submit. I’ve seen submissives close themselves off so much they struggle to meet people, fearful of even putting themselves out there enough to start a conversation.
I have no quick fixes for you. I wish I did. At some point you’ll meet the person who’s willing to work through those insecurities (John Brownstone did that for me). You may just get tired of being alone and decide you’re going to “do something about being alone.” All I can tell you is not to let loneliness or a need to be in a relationship let you overlook red flags and bad behavior. You really do deserve the best. We all do.
Trying New Things
“I always screw things up.”
“I can’t do [fill in the blank].”
First of all, these things aren’t true. But if you have a habit of questioning your own abilities, a willingness to try new things is often much harder. Add in a few bad experiences from the past, and it gets even more difficult.
This is where trust in your partner is necessary. When I’m scared to do something (kinky or not), knowing that I’ve got John Brownstone on my side helps me. Even if the whole thing (whatever it might be) gets fucked up, I know we’re together.
I let John Brownstone wonder for months if we had a future. Insecurities about relationships, yourself, your future, or even your partner can stagnate your relationship. It makes sense, though. You know this part. It’s working well, and you have no guarantee it won’t be ruined later.
There are no guarantees in life, in general. Staying at the same level may seem safe, but it’s rarely satisfying. Relationships have to grow and change in order to thrive. You might not end up in some fairy tale happy ending (hell, that might not be what you want) but standing still usually leads to a bad outcome.
Some of our insecurities come from childhood traumas, past abuse, traumatic events, and just shitty life experiences. They can’t be waved away with a wand. A lot of hard work has to go into dealing with a lot of what life hands us. Even when we have insecurities from a faulty brain that lies to us (believe me, I know), overcoming the things we believe about ourselves still isn’t easy.
Knowing your insecurities is half the battle. The other is working to overcome them as best as you can so they don’t ruin good, positive relationships.
Have you found that your insecurities get in the way of your kink or D/s relationships in other ways? How have you overcome them? Have you? Feel free to share in the comments or on Twitter!